recently i heard tragic news of someone i used to be in the company of. i am deeply affected by news of her passing. this one goes out to sandee, who comes from a family i was once a part of. i was just indirectly informed that at 26, she became terminally ill with cancer and barely made it to christmas day. she will be missed and my heart goes out to her loving husband and beautiful kids.anyway, this photo was snagged from myspace.
when i hark back to those memories that used to make me smile or cry, i remember a different person. running into a complete stranger a mere 3 weeks after "knowing" him makes me think about whether people change or if they are simply just never the person you thought they were. i rehearsed the moment in my head repeatedly after deciding that we would never be the same....it was intended to be a friendly encounter but what became of it was a mere passing of eyes forcibly turning away. he is a stranger....not the man i loved. a man that is gone. this sense of gone confirmed that i am at a better place....out of harm's way. i've learned what a man shouldn't be and how i shouldn't be treated and what love really is. it is not a stranger passing....its someone that warms your heart when you think about them. its someone that brings you to tears when they are gone. its someone that can't be lost.
get out of my life.
today i uttered these words to the man i thought held some hint of respect to the relationship i've provided him with for the last 9 years. today i vow to have shed the last of my tears with the revelation that his love never existed. why i let myself enable this charade for even longer than it should have is a question that will echo in my life for years to come. i thought that even as friends, there was something salvageable and worthy of forgiveness but in my darkest hour, i can only find light in learning the truth. he will never grasp that it was i who had simply chose to love him even with empty promises and delayed returns. it was me who had freely given myself to him, his needs, and his family even without the real promise of his commitment and armed only with faith that our time would come. all this on my own accord was given out of choice and not necessity. i don't need him in my life. the haphazard lengths he went through to make me believe that i held some importance in his life have been overshadowed by his never-ending capacity to bring me to tears. he let me believe that he was remorseful and loved me yet could easily resort to his familiar ways of lying, disregarding my emotions, and easily disposing his time to another woman. all the i love you's and i'm sorry's amount to nothing and can only fuel my new hopes of finding true happiness and the real love that has been due to me since the beginning.
From Steve Martin's lovely novella-turned-hollywood film, Shopgirl:
Ray Porter: As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.
[s o t d]: Foolish Games, Jewel
how this girl finds herself 7,000 miles away from home yet troubled with thoughts so close to home is beyond me. i am here in my hotel room with the bustling metropolis beckoning me to indulge in all it has to offer. i am here, i swear....but not entirely so. it is my fault to let my thoughts overcome me in all those familiar ways i thought i had escaped but here i am still feeling it. this is just one of those occasional reminders that i am my heart and my heart is a fragile being.
there is a game plan for my next few days here in the philippines...and it entails more than just eating. even that requires strategy on my part. no over-eating....just eating for pleasure. there are so many cuisines here that take advantage of the plethora of tropical delights unique to the palette that i simply must leave room for more stimulation. have you ever had pot de creme with carmelized coconut? pana cotta with tarot and calamansi? a salad made with fresh local cheeses? there will be so much investigative gastronomy these next few days.
my one true not-so-guilty pleasure are green mango shakes on demand because they are so underrated.
the other tidbits of my agenda are visiting Baroque Churches from the 16th Century, taking a walking tour of historic Intramuros, and resorting at the far and away Tagaytay Highlands. in between there will be my usual strategic shopping of bargain hunting and multitasking. i am also almost tempted to let someone pamper my feet for an hour or two. But first tonight's plan is meeting up with friends at a hip eatery and living the life of a lush afterward.
how many times must one repeat the words "i'm okay" to realize that they are not?
tonight i called an old guy friend to greet him hello, only to discover i had called him just as he was hours, if not minutes, away from proposing to his lady. he was so filled with clarity in explaining all the reasons he was ready for the moment and why he couldn't live without her....and just then i quietly sobbed. the words, so strong and sweet, being uttered from a distant and almost unfamiliar voice, let the floodgates down on me. but i'm not sad, just happy to hear that this epiphany exists in someone else's realm and if its not me that can live that yearning reality just yet...i'm even more certain my time will come.
one may ask why i'm still up at this time. for one, i had sips of thai iced at about 1030 pm. but my new admitted reason is October Road. oh yeah, i can admit i'm not a bandwagon gal when it comes to these new shows. i figure what's the point, when i will be left hanging after sweeps fail to preserve the lineup. but how can i resist the small-town (possibly small-island), same-age-as-me, wanna-be grown-ups like myself trying to discern how life has unfolded before their very eyes?
friendships are challenged. love is doubted. ideals are questioned.
is it really TEN years after high school?
sounds familiar? how about that the main character used-to-be-an-attention-seeker in high school is now a single mom to a 10-year-old and trying to land on perfection? and now at 338am, i ask myself how on earth i am finding myself as one of knight's ridge, massachusetts.
see, this is why i stay away from tv but i'll still blame it on that damn potent thai iced tea. besides, its not technically tv.....it's online video streaming for heaven's sake!
great quote from episode 4:
the average penis is comprised mostly of equal parts muscle, tissue, blood vessels, and ambivalence
this is genius and true but i'll have to add if this is what penises (is this even the proper plural noun?) are made of, then...
vaginas are a few parts of muscle, tissue, blood vessels, and MOSTLY vulnerability
when in need, it's time to break out the big guns...duty calls for sex and the city. it's full of wisdom, laughter, and tears. right now i'm on season 6 and feelin' like charlotte.
Carrie: Remember when a break was a good thing....spring break, coffee break. Now it's break-up, breakdown. They keep getting worse....what's next?
Easter break is here and as the holiday nears, i am reminded of larger voids. familiar faces that once felt comfortable have all turned into silence, but without uttered goodbyes. common threads continue to unravel but i'm still keeping it together.
[ s o t d]: Norah Jones, Feeling the Same Way
i take three steps forward and two steps back. many times i've witnessed my friends become overly consumed by heartbreak or a relationship and i know this is not who i am. i am doing well but knowing that he's moving on with other people adds a new sting. my heart doesn't even have the capacity to let anyone in and yet i have no choice but to allow myself to know these truths. it helps me even more when i know that there are so many reasons why this is wrong. to love someone and remember them for the all the good love, only to be overshadowed by the lack of it at the end.
[s o t d]: Never Love Again, Anthony Hamilton
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
perhaps the problem for me is that i held on to this too much because i never anticipated the loss. it's such an exhausting risk to have given so much and i am emotionally spent. tonight i reflect on the realization that this hardship rests solely on me. he is able to move on without conscience, blindly take steps without looking back, and inflict more pain without taking any for himself. he is able to let go without remorse and without any realization of the extent of his actions. i have been debilihitated for days. today marks one month of being in this tumultuous emotional storm. there are moments of soothing calm and moments of unpredictable unrest. i feel confident and strong yet unsure and weak all at the same time and i don't even know how this came about. there was a time when i was frequently haunted by bad dreams about what i had feared and things of the past. and now that i'm living those nightmares, i wish i could wake up and undo this all. i was told i used to whimper and cry in my sleep until i was awaken and now i wish it were just as easy.
[s o t d]: Damien Rice, 9 Crimes
these past few days i've grown thicker skin with even more added woes that have come my way. i understand that i subject myself to some of these difficulties and i also understand that i have had questionable ways of dealing but in the end, i have no regrets. clarity has replaced confusion and strength has replaced pain. i know in my heart that this is the right path for me. tonight i have yet to step into that empty house i've been somewhat dreading but it will be new healing for me as well. pictures will follow.
the important part here is growth, learning, looking back....and most importantly, moving on.
[s o t d]: Roads by Portishead
kylan and i went on a mini-expedition about the San Francisco Bay on Saturdday and it was beautiful as ever. I wanted to enjoy it more but my mind was so boggled, i felt badly. i'm glad i took enough photos to savor the moment and Kylan had a really good time.
[s o t d]: Trouble
people have reminded me of the stages of grief and i must tell you i am the worst at anger. there's only one person i know of that has stayed angry with me and to this day, i am still begging for apologies from something that happened many many years ago. i don't know how to get mad...i don't know how to stay mad....and i don't know how to deal with it after. even worst of all...it kills me when someone is mad atme. when i try to be angry...tears come out. i have been this way since kindergarten and everyone would tease me that i was cry baby sally but i was really really mad, not sad. in high school, i tried to confront a teacher about a low grade and instead of banishing her to hell, i cried and ran away. and when i get mad at kylan, i have to shut my door after i yell because i can't turn around and finish it off (and i still cry when yelling takes everything out of me). when road ragers flick me off, i wave and smile back. okay i think i've given enough examples about me not good at being mad and only an expert at crying a river. i learned that from Justin. you know, Timberlake. so i'm learning anger and working on it.
<empty house, empty heart
i won't be moving to the house anymore but i'll still make it pretty.
[s o t d]: Wish I Didn't...by Angie Stone
joie and the family have left for maui and i am truly alone at home. kylan is off to school and i have spent the day in silence just sorting out more thoughts. sadly these days have become even more challenging. i'm disappointed that these low blows have come about but it can only indicate that there can only be good things ahead. i constantly think of all the heart that i have invested and compare that with what has become of it and in the end I'm finding that there is just no comparison. all that i've given is not worthy of this pain and what i've left behind is not worthy of the fight. i have fought a good fight but if i'm the only one rooting here then i am better left standing alone. its amazing where a break up can take you. it doesn't even have to be enlightening but its a realization that i could only be thankful for. the truth has truly set me free.
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
Just a mere sigh can ease the pain that I've been going through these past few days. At some point part of it is just realizing you need to take a moment to stop. Everyone has things in their life that they are not too proud of or wish they could've handled better. For me, its love. I built so much around getting to my happily ever after and i really wanted it to be the easiest thing I would have to find. I would exchange all my stresses with work, finances, and my career to be at that place - where going to bed and waking up with the one you love is all you need to forget about every hardship that you'll encounter throughout the day. without this, there is that lingering emptiness that i must now fill.
Song of the Day [s o t d]: Love is Stronger Than Pride by Sade
i've never been overcome with the feeling of wanting to go home and this is the only way i could ever imagine dealing with all this overwhelming change. its unlike me to run and hide but i feel i'm out of breathing room.
so sorry that i've had nothing pleasant or sugar-coated to post lately. lots of encouragement here and there has helped. i've learned from previous bumps in the road that ultimately every decision i make is still one i face alone. no matter how many bits and pieces of advice that i hear, it still solely rests in my thoughts. i've never found it so hard to talk about something and my problem lately is that i keep everything internalized. it's really not like me to stay so bottled up so forgive me for not reaching out as one would expect. in between emails and phone calls at work, sitting in traffic on the road, and while while falling in and out of sleep, i catch myself riddled with so many thoughts. i could fill pages but you would find i'm still going in circles.
Song of the Day[s o t d]: Listen by Beyonce
when you love someone, that never changes. you realize people have a change of heart. there are reasons for everything in life and it's all outta my hands.
Song of the Day [s o t d]: Nothing Fails by Madonna
one of my favorite new shows, Brothers and Sisters, had a fitting title for my mood, "Love is difficult" and it led me to "Letters to a Young Poet". In the Show, he references Letter No. 7 and here is that wonderful excerpt:
And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the
fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it. This very wish, if you use it calmly and prudently and like a tool, will help you spread out
your solitude over a great distance. Most people have (with the help of conventions) turned their solutions toward what is easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive
trusts in it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself any way it can and is spontaneously itself, tries to be itself at all costs and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must trust in what is difficult is a certainty that will
never abandon us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it.
It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human
being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for
which all other work is merely preparation.
the man i love makes me cry
but he wipes my tears and gives me his shoulder
and this is why i love him
the man i love makes me ache
but he makes me laugh and shares my joy
and this is why i love him
the man i love makes me mad
but he knows why and tells me sorry
and this is why i love him
the man i love is not perfect
but neither am i
and this is why i love him
my little man is truly in beTWEEN. not yet past his baby bratty ways but dawning pubescent attitude. he's like dr.jekyl/mr. hyde - one minute he's rolling on the floor demanding his ways and the next he's giving me stoic attitude. and then comes the deeply apologetic begging.
these people waving their flag caused a slow-down on the way home today and it really did make me reflect.
Maybe it was the sad episode of Gray's Anatomy or the ending of the Amazing Race but despite some good things that went on at work this week, I'm feeling out of it. I'll be opting out of my Office celebration on a Bay Cruise and everything that lead to that has brought me down. Life goes on. The good note is that I got a raise and a merit bonus at work so at least my financial woes will stay astray for now.
I am used to having my Outlook inbox flood with emails, especially from my College (California College of the Arts) Alumni mailing list. But today a message was entitled with a former instructor's name and sadly the body of the email revealed his recent passing. He was one of those reputably tough teachers who instilled his own presence with his aged knowledge. I didn't even know he had cancer, as it explained. He used to tell us architecture students after our frequent all-nighters that we'd have plenty of time to "sleep when we're dead" so tonight I pray that Victor Carrasco is sleeping with God.
This brings to mind other teachers who have remained embedded in my mind throughout these years and who I've often hoped to give gratitude to. Some time ago, I requested the contact information of some of my high school instructors only to find one of them. I quickly wrote him a Thank You note although I don't know if that information was current or if the note had reached him. Mr. Phipps opened my eyes to the fascination of history. He taught it well and encouraged me to take the AP exam. I was one of 3 that passed. It was from his class that I grew an affinity for Jeopardy and now its on my To-do-list to one day make it on Jeopardy...although recently I've been rought at it when I tune in to the show. Alex Trebec doesn't age and the set sure has gotten fancier these days.
Another high school instructor that I fondly recall was my Freshman Theology teacher, Mr. Theodore Dorsey....who quit because of the mean spirit of our juvenile class. They continuously ridiculed and disrespected him because he was a really large and akward man. I remember his head was just about under the door header and he had greasy glasses. I actually really enjoyed his class and recognized that he was a true Biblical scholar that knew more history that those nuns ever did. When an earthquake struck, he was panic-stricken and the students never let him forget. Everytime those low-riders would come thumping by the school, they would yell "EARTHQUAKE" at him just to startle him. I felt really bad and I wasn't one of those who would laugh. These were just a handful of people who would repeatedly do this to him. Anyway I've done people searches and google searches and its just impossible. I hope he's in a better place now.
I just think how little compensation and scarce respect teachers can get and I hope that they know the important roles they play....before they die. Nevertheless, there are a lot of bullshit teachers out there and I'm glad I've never really had that problem...except maybe once. I could never take it on as a career. Kids could be really mean. I could think of more instances of when classmates were unbearably mean to a teacher. Many of them cried! (the teachers, not the students!)
I have a lump (a large one - the size of 3 fingertips) on my neck and I'm hoping it's a swollen lymph node that will go away after I complete my dosage of prescribed Antibiotics. To hear my doctor utter the word biopsy (on the answering machine, even) is an unsettling thought. So for now I'll keep praying that this lump is not here to stay.
After getting 2 hours of sleep, I was actually feeling pretty good this morning. I forgot to put on eyeliner today but I think I'll live. And my lost earring from yesterday....you'll laugh when I tell you that I actually only put ONE earring on!! It seems that the really thing "lost" this week is my mind.
I've been driving to the city everyday for 2 weeks now and this is due to laziness, not having change for the bus, or needing my car to get around for, during, or after work. Everyday is a battle to find parking. Today was especially important that I find all day parking because I'll be away from the office for a site visit with other coworkers. Two-hour parking won't cut it because I can't be around to move my car every 2 hours (and yes sometimes I have to get up every 2 hours to move it!) I was elated to find a car leaving a prime spot right when I pulled up. The spot was in the opposite direction and I was signalling left to park and making hand signals to the guy behind me to pass to my left because I was gonna need to manuever into the spot. This street is really more like an alley and is made up of garages and loading docks...so for him to maneuver around me with no oncoming traffic is really no big deal. My windows were down and to my horror, he stopped his car, honked his horn...looked me right in the eye and said "LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE". This really stunned me and I should be over it since he is obviously one of those crazy road rage people....but I don't think anyone has ever said FUCK to ME in such a deragatory and angry manner. Therefore it will replay in my head for eternity. Anyway *sigh. Short-tempered people need therapy. Before Architecture and throughout school, I've worked tons of customer service jobs and often times people get beligerent. For me to keep my demeanor calm was sometimes triumphant and every instance that I did have with an extremely rude customer ended with an apology to me because I'm right and they're wrong, hah!. Again its my "too nice" thing that is my strength and my weakness. While I can stay calm through a storm, its trying remain unaffected thats hard. Now I just want today to be over. Short end of the long story is that I ended up driving to Petaluma anyway so my car was in that spot for 10 minutes. There goes the fight I never needed to face. I will hold to the fact that I do have great Parking Karma, though. I find all-day parking 85% of the time and I'm really good at parallel parking! So when we got back from Petaluma, I didn't even have to circle the block more than twice before I found all-day parking. I wish that man could have some voodoo luck like maybe fungus in his toenails or crabs in his eyelashes or something even more torturous like impotence or a wife that doesn't wanna touch him or a boss that gives him a daily serving of crap on a silver platter. Okay my mean voodoo conjuring is over.
I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
so for a while i've had these internal battles with my failed friendship with carmel and i never verbalize them because truthfully, i had hope that time would set things in place and really....have no one to vent to about such a seemingly and overly GIRLYproblem. i mean guys don't have the same kinds of run-ins amongst themselves so sometimes, i wish it could be that easy...let me ramble on. if you care to know (whats been on my mind lately regarding my beloved carmel)...
when crisis strikes someone near and dear to me, i can't help but become affected. and the aditional attachment bestows me with even more responsibility than i'd like to partake in. i am all too familiar with helplessness and emotional frailty to be a simple bystander when witnessing others in crisis. it's not a storm that any thrillseeker would find exciting. all the tumultuous damage is still yet to come...
when someone voluntarily steps out of your life, you can't help but dread that possibly akward confrontation after having no contact with that person in a long time. but if there was anything i dreaded, it was to be brought down to an even lower level of worth. so you roll with the punches and take what you can because you recognize that something is better than nothing and to be ignored rather than merely acknowledged would be the most painful thing to bear. i recover and am thankful that in my life, i am drama free at this very moment. one day a a time always works to make things better.
as fragile and sensitive of a soul i am, confrontation has never been a fear mine. when hurt, anger, dismay has posed itself as an obstacle to be overcome, i am not afraid to step forward....tears and all. to bare my soul comes so easily even when my heart is the one to suffer the most. i will go great lengths to let it be known where my values lie. these days i reminisce of times past and see how recent losses still bear heavily on my mind and my body. and in utter disbelief, i am reluctant to let go of dear friends that i love and miss dearly....constantly.
i'm a person of conviction and i value happiness and peace of mind the most. in some cases choosing between wrong and right can mean giving up or gaining what you value the most. in my case its the need to be happy. what people need to be reminded of is that wrong or right does not always equate to or is accompanied by logic or reasoning. i follow my heart and if that appears to be incomprehensible to someone it is because they have never lived a day seeing through my eyes, living through my experiences, or thriving on my heavy heart. i will tell you what i believe but i will not be brought to trial for it so that i can defend my reasons and convince you that there is only one right and that is from the side that you stand on. i live on my own plot of land and if you cross it, be prepared to honor it. if there is one place i will not be pushed over it is regarding matters of the heart. i am not perfect but perfectly flawed and this i recognize in everyone. i do not expect to be right but only acknowledged.
early last month i was raving about how infused i was with christmas spirit and now, T minus 4 days....i've gone back to a state of sulking. i'm reminded of a current movie title just released...."A series of unfortunate events"....that's me succintly put. the holiday night-out that will never be received no response and my efforts for putting something together might just be nothing but a waste of time. i'm feeling lonely for companionship and in need of fun. even my long and boast-worthy collection of christmas music (which i've been obsessing about) is not staying long enough in my head to pick me up. we'll see what tomorrow will bring upon fickle soul.
is it not enough to disagree, to dislike, to feel disrespect. must one plea, beg, cry for self-worth, acknowledgement, content. after sometime i started to despise pineapples and i realize why. i've learned never to silence my pain, never to give in, never to accept the compromise. and perhaps my greastest realization which can be translated as a weakness is that i can never say enough is enough. i never learn. i keep going, i take it in, i give more, i breathe and thats how i know i'm still alive and lucky. the most important breath of all is that sigh of relief, the exhale that indicates there'll be no more downfalls, lows, and nights of pondering such things.
i'm like my own shrink -- if took a timeline of my life, i could pinpoint all the causes and effects. i would have to say and many who know me well might be able to concur, as well, that my biggest insecurities lie with my relationships. i realize that i've barely had conistency with my friendships and the one constant that I DO have outside of family is exbf. perhaps thats why my attachemnt is so unrelenting. but the reason for my momentous epiphany amidst all this observing within the context of my recent drama.....is having to face the reality of another loss. i take avoidance very badly. i've had many instances where people near and dear to me have just abruptly stopped becoming a part of my life. its morbidly analgous to experiencing death but im sure not anyhwere near it. and both i fear and greive very deeply. i dare not say that anyone can deal with loss with ease but i contemplate these realities every day of my life.
thats me...
crying behind my smiling teeth, screaming in the silence, awake in your sleep, lost in nowhere...last in line, ,waiting for nothing, hoping yet hopeless, weakening every bit...searching for something that can't be obtained, trying hard to be ignored, falling hard on rocky ground...learning as i go by, gasping for air, reaching for help...but wanting to be alone, to feel no pain, to be loveless is lifeless.
Once again
I'll be feeling lonely
Oh, if only things could work out like you plan
Where can love be
Tell me why it's so hard to find somebody
Who will stand by me
And take the time to understand
And show me love again
I want the real thing
Or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure will catch me
If I should fall
Someone who'll be there when I call
Then I'll know that it's the real thing
I want the real thing
To warm me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Making the future bright
Somebody who will make it all right
Just give me the real thing
Where is the moon?
Won't it smile
On just one more dreamer
Let your beams come down
And fill my empty room
Here comes the night
But if there's still a chance
That love can find me
I'll be here
Crossing my fingers
I want to know for sure
That I can feel secure
Knowing I've found an everlasting love
And once I get that under control
Then I won't let go
financial, work, relationship woes and everything in between all bring to mind the idea of leaving everything behind and starting all over. nothing seems to be falling into place except for the fact that i am falling into a deeper of hole of debt. for many there's the not-so-appealing panacea of moving back home. this i will never do. for some reason my mom and my friends on guam seem to think that living on guam will leave one worry-free. i admit i've got a full plate that i don't want to dig into but its either that, or starve.
kylan's been driving completely bonkers lately. seriously. we bicker like an old married couple and i end up nagging like a bitch. earlier this week he missed his bus from home to school in the morning and i had to turn around in oakland just to fetch him from the house. i was an hour late for work!! and then he's been forgetting his homework assignments at school. i did the wrong thing by giving him his gameboy back because it made him bratty about his batteries and stuff. he's been driving me so nuts..i have to go into my room, put my head in my pillow and scream...lip quivering and all. i swear, i've never even bickered like that with exbf. i'm really afraid for me when he's older....
of course one of the things i do best is think...about everything i do, see, hear, or say..i think. and never have i felt such a need to be away with my thoughts. and it feels nice, actually, to not be distracted for any moment. ever listen to a song...and suddenly you realize that the lyrics have meaning? that's been happening a lot lately. lately i've been obsessing over my playlists...just to fit my different moods. i've exponentially expanded my itunes. my song for life has always been "hopeless" by dione farris. its from the Love Jones soundtrack and it fits me. People may say I'm hopeless but I get by.
Oh my life is changing everyday
in every possible way
And oh my dreams
it's never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems
I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to be
I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
And they'll come true
impossible not to do
Impossible not to do
And now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
You're what I couldn't find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me
Oh my life is changing everyday
In every possible way
And oh my dreams
it's never quite as it seems
'cause you're a dream to me
Dream to me
i've lived my life comforted by stabilty and not having the need for change. and now, in a matter of days, i've gone back to starting from scratch and sorting out my emotions. i've realized that there is no such thing as the right or wrong thing to do. where things go are beyond my control and this, among all things, is the most disheartening thing of all. i can't help but think that somewhere along the lines, i've failed at the accomplishment that i've always been most proud of and happiest about. to let go of this very thing is letting go of my happiness.
love should never have to be looked for, begged for, or needed.
it is there even without knowing.
without doubt and without question, it is the one thing that completes you and the one thing that empties you. you live for it as much as you'd die for it. and most of all...when taken from you, you are taken, too.
The summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
And miss completely
And now you're left to face the gloom
The empty room that once smelled sweetly
Of all the flowers you plucked if only
You knew the reason
Why you had to each be lonely
Was it just the season?
Now the fall is here again
You can't begin to give in
It's all over
When the snows come rolling through
You're rolling too with some new lover
Will you think of times you've told me
That you knew the reason
Why we had to each be lonely
It was just the season
there is no need to seek logic or find reason, there is only pain. in my eyes, you let go a long time ago....and put all my hope, happiness, celebration of our six years together in vain. and even now as i am drenched with overwhelming confusion and hurt, i know this is where i belong. i will never think less of what we had as much as i know that i will never have you in my arms again. it will take a while for me to stop loving you as much as it will take a while for me to stop hurting. for all the worth that was left, thank you and i love you. there are no good byes.
i'm finding that even these days, i still manage to get myself in trouble with things that i shouldn't even have to worry about. i woke up today feeling almost empty, uncomfortable. exbf says i was having a bad dream. i fear that i might be living parts of my nightmares. yesterday in a desperate attempt to hand off my laptop, my opportuned buyer changed his mind at the last minute, thus causing to go fall deeper into insanity. there are several buyers eager to grab my apples and i'm hoping its sometime soon because i am flat broke as usual. the same story with my askewed pay dates and incoming expenses. time to get a new job. in the meantime, there's always exbf's checkbook doing the trick. after i've sold everything, i will be able to pay him.
i swear me and my girl-friends can spend HOURS on end analyzing our "men"...why this, why that....maybe this, maybe that....trying to make psycho-analytic diagnoses and predict what could, should happen. and i'm beginning to think that this neverending anyalsis is redundant and therefore quite possibly, pointless. why? because in the end...we still don't have a clue. i don't imagine that these guys that we dwell, fixate, ponder about are spending as much time, if any, discussing amongst themselves or with their kind....why we do what we do. i've decided to take the manly approach....don't even think about it. but i'm thinking this can't be done. hrmm i wonder why.
it seems life can be considered a constant journey towards happiness. i mean...you go to school so you can be successfull so that you can lure your mate for life so that you can live happily ever after so that you can sprinkle this on your offspring...its a vicous cycle. maybe thats why we're always searching. hence all the reasoning...of unhappy childhood leading to unhappy adulthood. but then there's all those complex in-between things that you didnt learn from the textbooks at school...you know the let-downs, heartbreaks, crossroads.....and relationships. where or how do you learn to keep that perfectly flawless, as pristine as the day it was initiated? i imagine that there are no perfect textbook answers and just something to play by ear, learn as you go, take in. the barometer for happiness can be gauged by the people around you. in the end, i tell myself...whats the use of being happy if you're just gonna be alone? without someone to share my happy moments with...then there would be none. of course...there's always masturbation (which i'd rather opt for accompanied by an adult)
there's a little cocktail hour at the W for the girls tonight and i hear the men will be playing texas hold'em. i miss going out. its been a month since i've hit the dance floor and had a real drink. its just a weird feeling. i can see why people think they're getting old when they don't get out as much. i think its a good dose of sanity.
today i had a great conversation about "waiting to exhale" not the movie but the concept of it. i think this is me...waiting for that blanket of worry to be lifted off me so that i can...breathe. i know my worries are mostly in the ballpark of being overly conscious but in the end, i'd be the bigger fool for internalizing things. men do this. this was all brought up when discussing divorce/marriage. i've been hearing those two words lately and it gets me worried. not only do you have to find someone to marry, but you have to make sure that you hang on to them. i've got a lifetime of worrying to do, according to oprah.
i recall the pain of heartbreak in a relationship and its all too familiar. somehow, and i'm sure i'm not the only one, i once thought that growing up meant life would get easier. at some point you think your reasons to cry expire, your relationships remain golden, and although worries are nothing but a normality of adulthood, they are a non-issue. but i see this is not the case. even if its not me having unwanted drama, i can't help but be affected. as i watch from afar and witness tears, frustration, worry, and along with it hope, denial, faith...the whole package can be so overwhelming. this is when my petty gripes of being broke and stress from work dissipate into something meaningless. the meaningful stuff is the stuff we strive to keep. for now i'll call it growing pains. exbf once said or repeated (from god knows where) in regards to tracing the past..."you dig, you get dirt". so true.
carrie (SATC) once referred to the past as "ghosts" which undesirably haunt us from time to time....without choice or reason. exbf calls me a dweller for dwelling on the past. am i dwelling? i suppose, if i'm writing about it and have invested time and energy in formulating this entry. earlier i was reminded of yet another experience from the chronicles of mimi....my bullied days during my freshman year at academy by none other than francine cruz....a name engraved so deeply in memory. try being randomly pulled, pushed, taunted, mocked, ridiculed amongst your classmates for no particular reason. much like a shirnk would deconstruct and decipher to diagnose....i call this "the beginning of the end" for me...(although it might go back even farther...stay tuned for THAT blog entry!) in regards to my complexes (someone, correct my grammar if that is not the plural from of complex) of inadequacy, self-esteem, and incompetent nature to kick someone's ass if need be. you know those dreams where you're fighting, kicking, screaming, possibly running?....and you're not going anywhere or are unable to affect anyone? yeah this is what i call the root of the banyan tree. (remember those large trees on guam with particularly outstretched roots peaking above the ground...they are highly flammable, too...yet another possible metaphor!) do i possess this "luck" simply because my peers and even moreso my agressors perceive me to be as a bonafide non-threat and therefore a perfect candidate for affliction, oppression, pain? hmm i wonder. i've already learned from watching the amazing race that nice guys really DO finish last and this could by my life's mantra. i have one overarching thought to cling to....i have never stooped, nor come close to being responsible for the discomfort and possible lifetime psychological damage that they have bestowed upon me (and possibly my offspring). perhaps exbf's "what goes around come around" should be my last words of comfort. but then again karma is technically against catholic dogma....as in "our life is in god's hands". and then you know the bible says turn the other cheek, blah blah blah. does that even matter?..how "catholic" am i to hold that? if i can preach and not practice then that is being a hypocrite which is nothing more than a stereotypical catholic. hah! i've found a loophole for wishing demise on my oppressors. guilt be gone.
You Don't Know Me
Jann Arden
You give your hand to me. And then you say hello. And I can hardly speak. My heart is beating so. And anyone can tell. You think you know me well. But you don't know me.
No you don't know the one. Who dreams of you at night. And longs to kiss your lips. Longs to hold you tight. Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been. Cause you don't know me.
I never knew the art of making love. No my heart aches with love for you. Afraid and shy I let my chance go by. The chance that you might love me too.
You give your hand to me. And then you say goodbye. I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy. Oh you will never know. The one who loves you so. Well you don't know me.
You give your hand to me. And then you say goodbye. I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy. Oh you will never know. The one who loves you so. Cause you don't know me. Oh no you don't know me.
OOhh...you don't know me
its always about money, work, relationships...something/somewhere to whine, bitch, or be merry...our lives might be incomplete without our daily gripes and groans....or reciprocations.
so tonight i made it a girls night since exbf decided to make it a boy's night (double *ugh)...and we had dinner at the chinese buffet in fremont...went to fantasia, borders (they had a live band!), bought reisling to spend the rest of the night with....and i was so deeply enchanted (my word of the day) by margaret's "love" story. of course with love comes tragedy...or drama and im confident her and her man of mystery (he shall remain unnamed here to protect the innocent) will survive. i even let her take my cell phone so that they could talk on the phone all night long. geez i miss exbf.
yeah guys im okay! i'm alive! duh...only i didnt know this. i love to sulk when tragedy strikes and then i laugh about it later. is this healthy? anyway i had some good things happen to me....like my paycheck came in early (of course its nearly gone now after accounting for the rest of the month's bills and lawyer fees)...i also stumbled into loehmann's on sunday and found out that its an absolute haven for shopping. there were way to many goodies in all those four floors of nirvana....i bought tops for 9.99 each!! wow after that i couldn't find anything nearly appealing at banana republic. ooh i also saw dodge ball this weekend and that was funny, too. there was some quasi-drama that evening because exbf was insisting that i was SOL if i couldn't make it home in time to watch it with him and he was gonna go without me. so i used the power of fandango to get him a ticket for 830 and just like that he hung up on me. but its okay it was a happy ending. i swear they should make a paperbag after me after i pulled off that move!! and then exbf's paperbag could have a mustache hehe it would be so cute. i should make one just to poke fun. i was also able to attend one of my mortage consulting meetings this weekend and that felt good getting up to speed. im really excited to buy a house and help people buy a house....went to hukilau on friday night and dnb on saturday and i stayed virgin. it was fun seeing old faces. speaking of old friends...helen messaged me out of the blue (again!). it was nice but one of those "boy who cried wolf" things. or maybe a "psyche mangang!" haha. i figure i could have bigger problems these days and for now i can say im allowed to smile.
so im up late looking on craigslist and then all of a sudden a word looks so appealing to me...psychotherapy! yes its true...with all this anxiety, my history of drama, and just needing someone to listen to me....i am in need of a shrink. i feel like one of those people in a movie...but i'll have to admit there are times when just venting to anyone would be helpful. sometimes everyone is too busy and i just don't hear the right words to alleviate my anxiety. maybe its part of getting older...i feel more complex...exbf and i have this relationship where we're so busy during the day that by the time its time to talk...its time to sleep...at least for one of us. but who am i kidding i can barely afford my dental copayment. i doubt insurance covers it...i did hear that students in training give free sessions but really i'd rather spare myself. i think of how i try to be when people tell me their problems, woes, worries, life stories and then i wonder why i can't do the same for myself. i suppose catharsis is healthy just as long as its not violent.
i hate being left out. sometimes i can't let go when my emotions are so strong.
where is the love? where is the love? where is the love you said you'd give to me as soon as you were free? will it ever be? where is the love? you told me that you didnt love her and you were gonna say goodbye but if you really didnt mean it, why did u have to lie? where is the love you said was mine oh mine til the end of time? if you had a sudden change heart, i wish that you had told me so. dont leave me hanging on these promises. you gotta let me know. oh how i wish i never never met you boy. i guess it must have been my fate to fall in love with someone else's love. where is the love?
<<<< lyrics >>>>>
everytime this song played on ally mcbeal i wanted to spew tears outta my eyes. this my delusional belief...in my alter life, i am ally....constantly living a world of drama. but i am no where near drama in reality and it is that for which i am thankful for...that those times have passed. hard to believe that once, pasts were no where near wretched and everything so pure. but how would i know or even grasp appreciation for times like these....when that is all but a distant memory. its amazing that i am 25. its a big bite of reality...we are aging. but i dare not say that i am old...but wiser, indeed. its one of those great realizations....like to value something more once faced with the threat of loss....or to know love by feeling hate. its great knowing that there are always brighter sides, greener grass, higher aims....somwhere beyond your scope of reality.
only god knows why im awake at this "ungodly" hour.
well not exactly a day...but it has passed. no big bangs like i planned...no jumping out of the sky...no crazy drunken party...all my energy has been expired for the month. party planning other events...(we had our friends finale party, girls cocktail party....) and then setting up the big party next month and taking care of kylan's first holy communion and science fair project....and juggling my jobs...i think i was fine exhaling on my monday birthday. i got an isight which i have yet to play with and some money which i've already spent on other people. the best treat today was unsuspectingly (this being the point of a suprise) receiving beautiful pink roses at work. i've even taken a picture of them on my camera phone and set it as my screensaver so i can remember them before they wilt and lose color. it was a perfect day. i even got my strawberry mousse cake and kylan and joshy helped me blow my candles. the look on joshy's face whilst singing happy birthday were wholeheartedly cute...as if it were his cake! mine all mine!! i didn't even yell at kylan today and was able to pick up the supplies for his project....which i am going to make "da bomb baby!"
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
or lack-of, rather. i am so un-impressed with television these days. while waiting to be wowed watching american idol and anticipating this week's surivor episode, i am counting down the days to the end of friends. one of my favorite things to boast...."i'll always make time for sex and friends"....referring to SEX and the city and F•RI•E•N•D•S....
I recall my outpour of emotion watching Carrie run for her life with the Eiffel Tower in the backdrop and now i recall my irritation that Friends had dragged out their ending and I'm afraid it'll be too predictable. i'll have to admit that even I thought that last week's episode was too sappy for entertainment. and is this really the most gratifying ending? by now i'd like to shoot ross for only realizing what he has when its too late....so typical of men! but i guess i'll have to wait and see for two hours while survivor records on our layered vhs tape. tv is not good for me anyway. these days i'm succumbing to believing that the Real World and the Bachelor qualify as entertainment. I've even resorted to leaving my TV on mute because somehow reading the words lessens the irritating effects of the stupid people or reality tv these days. does that mean that people are really dumb? oh well. here ends my rant.
NOT PROMISES....are an undeniable part of every relationship. most contest "never to compromise" one's self. this i find selfish. compromises not only imply, but necessitate a point of meeting to please both parties. this makes sense since there are TWO in the relationship. so the concept that two people are working together to make two people happy is an idea that's not hard to swallow.
stern and warm and unlike any other
his gaze unravels me
unravelled i am soft, giving, needing
his eternal affection.
silence is inviting like his eyes
and doors remain open like our hearts
to be valued and nothing more is what i hope for. to know that my efforts are worthwhile...and in the end to feel relieved, lucky, privileged to be within the company of someone i highly regard is nothing but a simple thing. yet simple things still have the ability to be complex and contrived and these hardships cause strain. in a world where heart break and disappointment are familiarities, one cannot help but feel strained, trapped, and wishing for more. perhaps hope, appreciation, and mostly love that is returned. my pain is rooted and even trees with deep roots are presumably stronger. but without a leaning force i refuse to stand alone. therefore i submit myself to undesirable emotions and longing for what is ideal and beyond reach but can be easily obtained if everything were certain.
i deem myself triumphant for dissuading mishella from venturing out into the city and instead i had her opt for having some tasty thai here in fremont and going out for drinks and whatever in the stanford area. my biggest reservation about last night was the turnout at Q's. i need to find a better hangout on this side of the bay. the city offers a more vibrant night but being tame last night didn't bother me at all. we had fun...mostly of talking about our oldest memories. and i don't just mean high school...im talking about middle school! its been nearly seven years since we've graduated and its pretty dumbfounding to face that truth. i've already secured my position in planning our class reunion and my ideas are dying to be put into action. i'm guessing most people would crave to be young again and relive those younger years of less stress, responsbility, and worry. but for me...i find comfort in my life's achievements and the things that surround me today. i mean in high school i had an asshole for a boyfriend, a ridiculous curfew, and some social problems. by social i mean having to be conscious of what people thought about me because sometimes i would find myself in undesirable predicaments. all this on a person who was probably hanging out with the wrong crowd. i've always been overly nice and unneccessarily tolerant of others. this is my strength but moreso my weeakness. to be taken advantage of and taken for granted and realize that i am powerless in reversing the toll it has taken on me.....SUCKS ASS. bitter would not be a precise description of how i feel about my wretched past. just sad. i am sad to think about those years and not be able to recall a moment of triumph or happiness.
when you're up at 2am for all the wrong reasons you realize that somethings never change.