mimi's island

when i was 19, i was fortunate to have befriended someone who would be my parter in life and love for the next 9 years of my life. little did i know that this friendship would bring me so much laughter, fulfillment, and pain all at the same time. i could not think of having it any other way. as we grew together and mostly laughed our days together, i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. but here is where we differed.
in 2001, our relationship was put through the biggest obstacle that any couple would not want to endear. and even through his cheating ways, i was able to see past this and nurture, repair, and rebuild the foundation of our love for many years to come.
little did i know that more testing was in the works. after 7 and a half years of living together, i reluctantly agreed for us to live apart. my sister had just purchased a new house and at the time that i had committed to joining her in our new home, i didn't know exbf would decide otherwise. we've been living together all the years before then and yet he could not commit to being 50 miles away from his job or family. and now after a year of living separately, we have been presented with the chance to start over in a house of our own as a family. last november, he said he was "on board" and i excitedly anticipated the completion of my parents' house that we would be making our own since they wouldn't be moving here from Guam until 2 or 3 years from now. i was even more encouraged when he gave me news that he was making arrangements with work.
but the efforts stopped there and soon i realized i was painting this picture on my own. even moreso, i've been believing this dream of spending the rest of our lives together on my own. and now his unwillingness to share this life with me has brought our 8 year, 6-month relationship to an unfortunate, disappointing, and heartbreaking end.
i remind myself that it's better i know now than later when i'm picking out the flowers for our wedding. and even if i already do have them picked out, there's nothing that a good cry won't fix. i think back to 5 years ago, when we were at a crossroads in our relationship and remember the hardship of dealing with insecurity, infidelity, and pain. and yet today, for all the reasons why i can't get him to see what he has given up, it is the pain from then that still stabs me today. if only i had spared myself that time in my life, i would have spared myself for the largest disappointment that has only been unfathomable up to this point.
when i have a 10-year old, i don't have the liberty to make mistakes. i need to find someone who will take care of us and make me feel that i am not one to lose, give up on, or walk away from. i put my heart into everything i do and into everyone in my life and when i've spent the last 9 years of my life perfecting something that i now must let go, i am nothing but exhausted. it took him one week to reveal his uncertainties when he could have told me years ago. i simply will not take mediocrity when it comes to love and will only demand the same effort that i have vested in the relationship, which is everything. i have given him undying support, forgiveness, patience, and care every single day of our lives together and would only offer the same for years to come.
i wish i could put everything to a stop and just let myself be but i have so many more places to spend my energy. whether it be getting kylan to clean his room, helping my little sister with her essay, posting this blog entry, or getting my projects done at work.....i cannot stop. i think of all my friends that are still searching for the love of their lives and i thought i had found mine. this is not what i wanted but learning to live my life without exbf will be even the hardest thing i've ever had to do and i never thought i would.