just had to do it...
so for a while i've had these internal battles with my failed friendship with carmel and i never verbalize them because truthfully, i had hope that time would set things in place and really....have no one to vent to about such a seemingly and overly GIRLYproblem. i mean guys don't have the same kinds of run-ins amongst themselves so sometimes, i wish it could be that easy...let me ramble on. if you care to know (whats been on my mind lately regarding my beloved carmel)...
you could say it's denial to believe that something will go as you'd like but now after a year...no progress in this department has been made. i've never found it so hard to make amends with anyone and maybe its because i don't recall having someone so close to me feel as if i've wronged them at this magnitude. presently the catalyst for our falling out is, as far as i'm concerned, irrelevant. and for now i will tell you i dwell on our friendship. or what it was. it was different because we instantly found common ground (on multiple levels) without even knowing each other beforehand. all my close friends now i've known since grade school or i've lived with them, grew up with them, went to school with them, etc. i never found such a partner in crime who was down for everything and laughed at all my perversions.
happy moments aside, i thought 3 strong and close years could put any pair of friends through anything but apparently not. and i admit this because i know carmel...her stubborn ways, her strong attitude, and her self-preservationist attitude...same reasons why i admire her to begin with...(everything that i lacked she possessed...im the biggest weakling there is!)...are the same reasons why i know we can never pick up where we left off.
last weekend in vegas we spent a weekend in the same vincinity and it was damn retarded (and juvenile, among other things) to not speak to someone in the same room who you KNOW! i've already done my share of speaking, pleading and didn't feel it necessary to force out what wasn't there or to just bring anything ugly to the fun weekend. am i mad? no sad? yes but thats no surprise. her solution to ignoring my existence was therapuetic.
i've always complained(and been told) that im too nice and now its not even about being nice.... just couldn't let her get to me anymore. i've seriously cried over this repeatedly and agonized over it to the point where i had so much guilt but the weekend freed me of that feeling. now i feel like ive accepted this reality to an even greater extent. simply put, it was a bad breakup. we used to always joke around that she was the "man" in her relationship with her bfs and she really proved this as she managed to remain stoic even through our endless dilemma i had no expectations and i am proud of myself for being able to have a weekend without disturbance. it just so happens her conviction in that department is stronger than mine and i can live with that.
we had no closure and she lead me to believe that we'd get through it and she'd call me...(SO LIKE A MAN!!) and this dose of heartache is the first its magnitude that i've ever experienced so all i can say is that it made me stronger and it puts into perspective ALL my friendships...new ones, old ones, and even the ones that went completely sour. and i'll tell you one thing...EVERY ONE of my friends that i've had a falling out with has attempted some gesture of closure, regardless of the result or circumstance. i guess this time i'm the bad guy. but not anymore....
---------i love you for all the years of GREAT AND INCOMPARABLE friendship you've given to me, carmel. *a blast while it lasted--------